The moment he realized that there is something about his personality that keeps him isolated. Noting that this is most likely a flaw that is result of child sexual abuse. He wonders, “how deep do these roots go?”
The ‘friends’ that he has, do not want to get beyond the superficial. Sometimes they run if he reveals deep feelings or thoughts.
What depths has he gone to make that perfect friend? He finds a person that gives him time. He latches on. He love bombs them with gifts or money. He has even given his body to other men just to be friends.
In the end, he realizes they are around for what he gives them. A friendship of codependency, he must do the right thing or give more to keep them. He realizes that he is carrying the friendship. They don’t seek him out; he is doing all of the seeking.
Eventually, the friends turn to ghosts. He has been ghosted; he realizes what that means now. The perfect word for a situation that he has felt over and over.
His relationship with God is no different. It’s all about what he does, how he acts and what he can give God to keep Him as a friend. He thinks, “a friend that sticks closer than a brother” and “he left the ninety and nine to search for the one lost.” In reality, the relationship is better described by the Prodigal Son; did the father seek him out? “The son has to return as a servant…”