Grief

Being Alone

Last night I sent out an email to a client, asking a question. This morning a return message came in. Instead of answering the question, the client has a snarky comment about an error in the subject. “I don’t know what you are talking about. In the future, don’t contact me about this…”

He is pretending not to know what project it is because of the error. “I attached all of the information about the project. He could just read below.”, I think. “I really need to work on my proof reading; smartphones are not the devices to type on.” Again, modify my behavior to make others happy. “Stop making errors!”, I think!

This lead me thinking about why I like being alone. My therapist knows this and has asked me many times about it. Of course, I’m now at the point that I want to please him also. I modify my responses.

Some Reasons are:

I don’t like feeling that I am in trouble or that I’ve done something wrong. I often feel this rush of adrenaline when someone says, “Can I talk to you?” I feel this rush when I receive a message asking me to explain something I did. “In trouble again.”

Alone, I don’t have to modify my behavior or think ahead about my responses. “If I say this, then they will respond this way. I best not say that.”

It’s absolutely torture to have to follow a list of Do’s and Dont’s; right and wrong. Then feeling like you’re at fault because you violated someone’s expectations.

When I was really young, below the age four, I remember the lists. Don’t put on your mothers pantyhose! Stop picking on yourself! Stop having accidents in you underwear! As I got older: Don’t say that, you sound like a brat! You embarrass me! We always thought you were going to be a big queer! If you ever decide to be a queer never come back home!

It seems today, in my life I can’t discuss my feelings about wanting to be the opposite gender, SSA or God. My feelings are wrong and met with adversity. Sometimes, I just want to express them without being corrected or feel threatened.

Everything leads to the God question in my mind. He has a list of right and wrong for us to be “well pleasing to Him.” I’ve stopped trying to please Him. I want to be left alone. I don’t want to think about all the intricate sins my existence has committed.

I am myself when I’m alone. I can just be!

Being lost and alone in the desert really isn’t so bad… (sarcasm)

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