Talking today… “I remember when…
I was about five years old, the summer before I started school. I inadvertently put my shoes in the window sill. The curtains hid them from view. The next day my cousins and I (with parents) were going to the park. We couldn’t find my shoes. Looking back it was likely disassociation due to abuse. We searched and searched. Tears and yelling. We didn’t go to the park.
I was commenting, “why didn’t she just get my other shoes of flip flops? Oh yeah we were too poor even with the child support she was getting; to SUPPORT her life with my stepfather and stepbrothers.”
I have anger at my late mother. She left my birth father when he was stationed in Texas. She just needed to “get back home for a while’ I was about 20 months old at the time. They weren’t even legally separated yet when she hooked up with the man who later became my abuser. They married and the first abuse happened when I was about 4. Later I learned she knew about it almost left home over it. Of course it was ALWAYS what she wanted; Not justice for me, not getting me help, not letting me go live with my father. She made sure that she was going to stay in this marriage; and keep me away from my ‘mean’ father. Whom has never abused me I might add. I went though the court documents after she died. He was paying about $500 a month in todays money in child support that she told me she never got. She was ordered on many occasions to let me see my father. She refused because “he would kidnap me. Isn’t that what she did when she left? To learn that the only parent you ever loved and only blood you ever knew was such a liar and selfish person hurt me deeply. I was made to feel shame because he was my father and I was his son.
I was later taught to hate biological father from her, aunts and grandmother. To this day there is still distrust of him inside me. Made to Feel guilt over having a different last name that family joked on. Coerced into agreeing to being adopted, I was ready to be an full member of the family and cut all ties to a person I didn’t know or met.
I was allowed one last supervised visit with my biological father who I had not seen since Texas. We went as a family to see the Original Star Wars. I actually felt love from a father that day; Acceptance. We got to say goodbyes privately where I balled my eyes out. My mother rushed in and cut it short.