The strange thing is, I have more anger towards my mother and God than I do my perp stepfather/adopted father. My perp stepbrother, I hated when I was young.
I didn’t start dealing with the abuse until after they died. They all passed away within a year. My perp stepfather got leukemia; my mother of cancer and perp stepbrother dief of cancer also. We had another stepbrother who I was close to murdered about 25 years ago. My younger half-brother are estranged; he has major drug issues and has drained us; I just don’t have anymore to give to him for drugs.
If they were all alive now and I had come to the point of dealing with the abuse there would not be very good relationships between us.
For some reason I was convinced the abuse didn’t affect me ‘that’ bad. I had come to realize that the diaper obsession was from it. I liked diapers and baby stuff. And at some point my victim mindset convinced me that being abused that way was a good thing. I was glad that I had been introduced to diapers. I also felt that God allowed it to humble me and bring me to Him. I felt like the unsafe family dynamic is what He used to make me seek Him early in life. I took “all things work together for those who love God” or “you meant it for evil but God meant it for good” as why it happened.
Now all of that just makes me angry and mad. What kind of God does that? Uses people as pawns to get people to love Him. People will say that I’m wrong about God, that He doesn’t work that way. I have no better explanation for the why and how. He doesn’t have to explain Himself to me and I don’t have to have anything to do with Him either.