I don’t think I experienced uncovered memories. I definitely have lost memories; clearly things that my aunt confirmed happened that I don’t remember.
For me it’s like a trigger and I’m reminded of something that I haven’t really forgotten. Like a certain apple smell will remind me of the cupboard at my grandmothers that I haven’t thought about in years.
Sometimes, I re-interpret these events through what I know now.
Monday 4:30 am:
Man that was a weird dream; I can’t really remember what it was. Something about sex. But not a sexual dream that you like. It was weird. I woke hearing my wife ask, “are you okay?”
I came to saying “yes.” out loud. My wife was fast asleep. I check my phone. I need to go. I get on the road, I have a 5.5 hour drive to Boone, NC.
Thinking as I drive in the hot early morning; I’m thinking. I then remember…
I was at my home on Barron Street. I was 6 or 7 years old. It was the middle of the night. I hear my mom yelling at my stepdad or oldest stepbrother. Was I asleep? I can’t remember. I just remember being scared. Did I do something wrong?
At some point, I hear my oldest stepbrother getting the belt. I don’t think I have ever seen or heard of someone getting spanked with a belt. I hear screams. I remember feeling guilty, as if the punishment was my fault.
Sometime later that night or early morning there was an ambulance at the house. My oldest step brother had a massive seizure. Apparently, the beating triggered it.
I woke up again later that morning. I was kept home from school that day.
Was this the night I was molested by him and was caught? I could ask one of my aunts; but it always raises questions.
I’m sort of estranged from them. Not that they are bad people. I just feel shame at my early years and teens…