My Story

My Grace is Suff…ering

Previous Part: It Happened at Night

I don’t usually attend Wednesday night services at church. Usually, it is a commentary of what was heard on Limbaugh or Hannity. I don’t follow politics anymore.

To be honest, I realized it was part of my insanity. I don’t discuss them, listen to them or read about them; my life is better for that actually. Do I have political concerns and views? Of course. I can’t define them and I won’t define them. I’m not writing letters, donating money or carrying a sign; I’ll show up on Election Day and that is it. Going to church and hearing this stuff is just a waste of time.

This night there wasn’t any political discussion. Pastor read from Romans 9. This is a hard chapter.

“Thou wilt say then unto me, Why doth he still find fault? For who withstandeth his will? Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why didst thou make me thus? Or hath not the potter a right over the clay, from the same lump to make one part a vessel unto honor, and another unto dishonor? What if God, willing to show his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering vessels of wrath fitted unto destruction: and that he might make known the riches of his glory upon vessels of mercy, which he afore prepared unto glory, even us, whom he also called, not from the Jews only, but also from the Gentiles?” Romans‬ ‭9:19-24‬ ‭ASV‬‬

This portion of scripture infuriates me. I want to be like Thomas Jefferson and just rip out portions of scriptures that I don’t like. I especially don’t like Paul; such an arrogant, misogynistic and hateful jerk. I’ve often said that I prefer my saints have not been murderers. Why do we revere murderers, womanizers and slave owners in the Bible? It’s runs counter to the life of Christ; except for the concept of redemption. 

This portion of scripture says to me. God has the right to make you a victim of child sexual abuse, make you homosexual and make you have gender issues so that He can show His wrath. Who are you to complain? This doesn’t really show a loving God. Especially since this says He has favorites to show His glory.

I spent the week reading commentaries. There is a lot of mention of the tenses in the Greek. How the vessel of wrath chooses to be a vessel of wrath. God doesn’t make people like this. But the text seems clear to me.

I was molested at a young age; I was either born homosexual or the abuse did that to me. I have gender issues due to the abuse or was born with a female brain in a male body. I spent over twenty years seeking healing from all of this. I’ve prayed and pleaded with Him to heal me. This isn’t a physical ailment; it’s something that He has promised healing from or He has promised sanctification.

After 45 years of trying to be a straight male I pretty much gave up and wanted to finally go ahead with ending it. The other option was to come out and begin transitioning to female. Though it would devastate my marriage and children. I still battle with this. I’m still in my marriage as a straight male; I’ve started to come to terms with living the rest of my life never being satisfied sexually. The thought of growing old and dying as a man makes me panic. I still feel despair at the whole thing.

I do want to save my family heart ache and pain that would come from transitioning and separation. I want God to be pleased with me. I don’t want to get His anger or wrath. I’m just not satisfied with my life at all or the fact that I have these problems. Who am I to ask, “why did You make me this way?” He (the Potter) has the right to make me anyway He wants and I have no right to complain about it; according to Paul.

I was thinking about using imaginary dialogue between myself and God to discuss this. Imagining what His replies would be. I haven’t yet, it would go something like this.

Me: Why did you allow me to me molested?

God: I didn’t, your stepfather has free will.

Me: I have seen recently that you saved my father-in-laws estate from a hostile take over. Everyone was praying that You would protect him. But you didn’t do it to protect me. Is money more important?

God: No, people are more important.

Me: I prayed for nearly 35 years for You to make me straight so that I wouldn’t go to hell. Why didn’t you answer?

God: My grace is sufficient for you.

Me: But You say being gay is wrong.

God: It’s a perversion of my creation.

Now I’m just to pissed off… what a load of crap!

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