I have always been interested in life-mapping and life-storytelling. Trevin Wax with The Gospel Coalition has started a series of articles about “What’s Your Primary Story”? It asked the question, what essentially is your primary motivation in life. Do we really live a sanctified life or do we live a worldly life with a facade of Christianity. He provides a few questions for self assessment, they’ve peeked my interest.
That’s why we should regularly examine our hearts and ask tough questions:
- What is on my mind when I go to bed every night or get up every morning?
- What are the burning questions, the big problems, the inner insecurities that fill my heart?
- Where does my mind rush during fleeting moments of quiet?
- When I look over my life, what narrative takes shape when I consider “steps forward” or “setbacks”?
- What do I actually do every day? And how do my actions correspond with what I say I believe?
- Typically, when I go to bed at night and get up in the morning it is usually issues about my gender and sexuality. It’s quite an obsession. I feel completely broken about it.
- Burning questions, why did God allow me to be sexually abused as a child? Why does He not heal me? Does God exist at all? If He does, why is He such a deadbeat dad?
- I hate myself and my life.
- Setbacks, time of suicidal ideation and attempts. Loss of faith. Steps Forward, learning to live without thinking there is a God out to cast judgement on me.
- I work. Anger drives my posts on social media.
To be honest, I’m just an angry person and I have not been able to work through my anger. My image of God is influenced by my step-father that sexually abused me.